Following Jesus...all the time

Originally written on July 21, 2013

Following Jesus…All the Time…

This is a difficult topic. I mean honestly, Houston traffic makes this virtually impossible to do.  But yes, we are called to follow Jesus…all the time.  This seriously puts me in a jam because I have a really bad habit of fussing at other drivers on the road.  There’s a popular cliché circling around right now, which basically says that you should say what’s in your heart because you don’t know if you’ll get another chance to say what you want to say.  I totally understand what they mean, but knowing myself, it’s usually better if I just keep my mouth shut.  We will definitely be held accountable for everything we say.

With that being said,there have been some interesting events in the news recently, which have sparked some pretty vitriolic reactions. These events have really divided the country.  I know quite a few people on both sides of the discussion so I have heard a lot of different viewpoints.  However, I have to say that I also saw some pretty inappropriate and strongly worded reactions from some people who I know to be following Jesus.

I get it that emotions are running high right now.  But that does not mean we can go run with them!  We have to harness them in, because Christ calls us to love through our adversity, to love our enemies, to love.  Period.  Condemning someone to the underworld is not a loving action, nor is it our role. Demeaning someone who disagrees with you is also not a loving action.  Yes we are called to educate the ignorant, but do you even know what that word means? According to Google, the word “ignorant” means “Lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated.”  Like I said before, I have a lot of friends on both sides of the argument.  Not a single one fits that definition.  They have their opinions as a result of the worldview, experiences, education, and awareness in their own lives.  Just like my opinions are the results of mine.

We often ask ourselves, “What would Jesus do?”  Well, actually, if you have attended Sunday mass recently, you heard it.  In the gospel from Luke 9 it reads:

     “On the way they entered a Samaritan village to prepare for his reception there, but they would not
     welcome him because the destination of his journey was Jerusalem.  When the disciples, James and
     John, saw this, they asked, “Lord, do you want us to call down fire from heaven to consume them?
     Jesus turned and rebuked them, and they journeyed to another village.”

Wait, did that really just happen? Did the disciples really just ask the Lord, the Savior of the World if he WANTED them to call down fire from Heaven? Yes.  Yes, it did.  I wish I could have seen Jesus’ face when he turned around to rebuke them.  And just so you know, Google’s definition of “rebuke” is to “express sharp disapproval or criticism of someone because of their behavior or actions.  I guess James and John got a stern talking to.

The point is, we don’t need to call down fire from Heaven.  That has never been nor will ever be God’s will for us here on this earth. However, in the second reading, we heard what IS God’s will for us here on earth from Galatians 5:

     “But do not use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh; rather, serve one another through love.
     For the whole law is fulfilled in one statement, namely, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

The truth is, condemning someone to hell is not a loving action and it is not for us to do.  There are a lot of people who don’t believe hell exists anyway so you aren’t going to scare them into believing.   Additionally, each person’s salvation is obviously very personal.  Who are we to judge anyone’s relationship status with the Lord?  Don’t forget about Matthew 7:1-5:

     “Judge not, that you be not judged.  For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and the
     measure you give will be the measure you get.  Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s
     eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me
     take the speck out of your eye, when there is the log in your own eye? You, hypocrite!  First, take the
     log out of your own, eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye."

Sometimes I feel like we are just so scared that we aren’t witnessing enough to others about following Jesus. That’s when we make the assertion that these are my values and you can take it or leave it.  That’s not evangelism.  It’s pride. No one wants to hear your argument as to why you are right, but I’m willing to bet everything that they would pay good money to actually see you practicing what you preach!  I believe it was Ghandi who said, “I love your Christ, but I do not like your Christians.”

I am not at all saying that we cannot disagree with certain behaviors.  Most certainly we can and do.  But we must learn to love the person despite the way they act and despite what they believe.  After all, isn’t this how Jesus loves us?  Despite our continuous sin, He loves us unconditionally and is always there to offer His mercy and love to us.  It is also said in Hosea 6:6 “For I desire mercy not sacrifice.”   Our God is a loving, merciful and all-powerful God. If we truly believed that, then we must also believe that God, in his infinite power, can steal a wayward soul at the very last second.  There is no hopeless cause where God’s love and mercy are concerned.  Perhaps we would do better to pray that all of our brothers and sisters have hearts that are open to God’s love and mercy.  We would do well to pray for that grace for ourselves as well.

We must realize that we are also often in the wrong with regard to our own behavior.  So if we ever need to correct our brothers and sisters, we should do so lovingly and prudently, just like Matthew 18: 15 suggests:

     “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.  If he listens to
     you, you have gained your brother.”

Hopefully, he will listen to you.  However, if he does not, you are still called to love and forgive him.  Despite the sins he has committed against you.  It’s a tall order, I know, but we are called to love in every circumstance. 

The only way to convince others that we are for real when it comes to Jesus is to love.  The only way to effectively conquer any form of evil is to love.   Love. Love the person in front of you, love the random stranger, love your family, love the other drivers on the road, and love your enemies, love, love,and love.  Because honestly, when we get to Heaven, they won’t be checking our political party affiliation at the door.  Do not repay anger for anger or hate for hate.  Evil will devour itself, but we will win with love!

Like

To all of my ladies out there:

Originally written on June 28, 2013

Ladies,

It's that time of year...Summer!!!  We are taking time off of work, spending more time outdoors (if you don't live in Houston...) and laying out by the pool.  You know what that means...swimsuit season!!!!  I have seen many a facebook post out there discussing the need to work on a "swimsuit bod".  In light of this phenomenon, I would like to share an experience I have had recently with my own personal battle with swimsuit season.

In case you have not already picked up on this, I believe my body to be sacred and holy.  Yes, it is.  I am learning more about Theology of the Body, which is a series of talks given by Blessed Pope John Paul the Great early in his Papacy.  If you have never heard of it, I encourage you to look it up and check it out.  Christopher West has some great resources.  However, beware, it will completely change your life!

The other day I was speaking with a friend and she was telling me about a conversation she over heard from two of our male acquaintances, The basic gist of this conversation was that with regard to women, a guy can always find a woman who is hotter.  I was seriously put out by hearing this.  Basically, what I was able to deduce from the repetition of this conversation, was that for these particular dudes the number one criteria for them when it comes to women is that she have a hot body.  It really affected the way that I saw them and the way I saw myself.  

I was pretty angry and hurt, but why?  They weren't talking about me directly.  They were just having a generic conversation.  It reeks of the reality that when these guys see any woman, they look at her with the mentality that they can always go hotter.  And I have let them look at me numerous times.  Thankfully, I am a fairly modest dresser so they have had the privilege of seeing my beautiful face only.  Many women will spend countless hours and money trying to become a hotter version of themselves to get that kind of guy.  I am begging you.  Don't do it.  Remember, he believes he can always go hotter.  Always.  

Now, I am not saying don't work out, go eat whatever you want, and don't care about your appearance.  Please do care about your appearance.  Care about it a lot.  God gave you your body so use it for his glory.  Do NOT cover it up because you are ashamed.  Cover it up to protect it.  Protect it from people who want to strip you of your dignity, who want to reduce you to a mere toy for their own pleasure.  Above all, protect it from those people who simply don't deserve to see how good it actually is.  Not only that, cover it up to force that kind of guy to look you in the eyes, to see that you are a person, a human, a daughter of God, to give him a chance at discovering what true beauty is, how good of a person you are, and hopefully, how much God loves him.

Guys in our generation have adopted this mentality because we have allowed them to do so and we have not stepped in and protected our own dignity.  In this same way, we have seriously violated their dignity as men.  We have stunted their growth and done them a great disservice.  I KNOW that these guys in my life have the potential to be great men one day, please join me in helping them accomplish this goal by becoming the even more incredible women of God than you already are!

So what does this have to do with Swimsuit Season?  Pretty much everything.  Reflect on your intentions for getting into shape this summer.  Do it to be healthy, active, to build virtue in yourself, to persevere.  Don't do it to look good.  You are already beautiful and will become even more beautiful as you bask in the truth that you are loved by God and that is all you need!  Reflect on what you are wearing this summer as the temperatures rise.  Be comfortable, but remember to protect what God gave you no matter if you're at home, outside, or even at the pool.  Be modest in your attitudes also.  Do not be attention seeking, but seek to love and support others in friendship.  You are all a treasure to me in my life you can count on me to support you and love you through all of your struggles!

God Bless you and please pray for me as I pray for you!

Being Brave

Originally written on August 13, 2013

Where do I even start? First of all, I would like it to be known that I am reading a book called "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown and it’s totally kicking my butt. With that being said, if you know who she is or what she is about, you now understand my frustration. She is a social worker, researcher, and professor at U of H in the School of Social Work and today in three short chapters, she has ruined my life. Her life’s work is to study vulnerability and wholeheartedness. The book I’m reading is all about vulnerability and it may as well be called "Allie sucks greatly".


In reading this book, so far, I have come to realize that I am a big scaredy cat and I have a lot of growing up to do. It’s kinda a love/hate thing, actually, because I love the fact that I have this insight, but I hate the fact that I’m seeing myself fail all the time. As I was reading this book today, I was reflecting on the many ways I run from being vulnerable. I try to act like I’m fine, when I’m really hurt. I try to control my work environment. I keep my emotional distance from really sad situations. Sometimes I’m sure I come off as being super stoic. But most of all, I avoid relationships…of any kind. I will use sarcasm as a buffer between me and someone else. Forget about saying hi to me in an elevator, on the rail, or in the garage because I will just look at the floor, making it clear that you are uninvited into my heart, into my life, and into my soul. But the thing is, I don’t want to be this person. I want to be welcoming. I want everyone around me to know that they have a home in my heart; that I am safe and will always be there to care for them. Brene calls it “showing up”. 


So I have to share something that happened to me a few weeks ago. I’ll preface it by saying I HATE going out somewhere and running into people I know. I am never prepared for that situation and I have been known to not go places because I am afraid of that very scenario. However, there was one particular night when my friends convinced me to go to this very pretentious bar and I reluctantly agreed. At some point in the evening, I recognized a gentleman in the bar as a colleague from work. Being that this was exactly the situation I wanted to avoid at all costs, I told my friends I would have to leave and I told them why. Naturally, after I did this, one of my friends decided to wave the guy down. There I stood mortified when he waved back after recognizing me. 


Why this situation bothers me so much, I will never understand. I guess it’s because it forces me into a situation in which I have to reveal a different side of me to this person than I am accustomed to revealing. It’s a fear I need to get over. In reading Brene’s book, I have recognized that running away from this situation will not make it better and will not make it go away. In fact, I did leave about five minutes after this encounter. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Everything was totally appropriate. I just couldn’t take the pressure of facing a potentially awkward situation of talking to that guy and then seeing him at work on Monday. I left and consoled myself by thinking that I probably wouldn’t see him at all. Wrong. Not only do I see him, but I see him daily now because his assignment changed…for three months. And he has often tried to get my attention. If that’s not the gift that keeps on giving, then I don’t know what is. 


So for three weeks now, I’ve been avoiding the awkward situation. I look at the floor alot. I have been doing pretty much anything to avoid facing him. Today, after seeing him numerous times, I decided I had enough. I needed to stop running. So as I passed by his spot in the unit, he looked up at me, smiled, and said hi. I didn’t look at the floor. I just reciprocated very appropriately and went on my merry way. And I didn’t die. 


I have realized that being vulnerable is not about gaining something from the situation, but it’s about being who you are and affirming another person as a human being. For me, this behavior of avoidance is rooted in the idea that I don’t want myself to be seen. I want to be invisible because quite frankly, I don’t think I’m that big of a deal. I don’t think I’m that worth looking at. I don’t think I’m that worth knowing. I automatically assume that people would not care to have anything to do with me when the reality is that people are always looking for a connection and I have a lot to offer them in many different capacities. 


If I could just open up my heart and let people see me for who I am, I might even start to see myself differently. I might start living my life differently. I might realize that who I am can have an even greater impact on the people around the community, the world, and me. But most importantly, I might find that my presence does matter to these precious people and that their knowing me could bring about the change they are seeking in their own lives. When we are brave, we call others on to be brave and we show them that we are for real. When we run away from being vulnerable we miss out on knowing others for who they really are, but worst of all, we miss out on knowing ourselves and all the amazing things we are capable of. Be brave. It’s worth it.

Making my heart big enough for Jesus!

Originally written on June 24, 2013

When I graduated from college, so many of my friends were getting married.  I had a lot of wedding invitations being delivered to my house.  Obviously I could not go to all of them.  All but one were definitely a plane ride away.  However, there was one wedding that I was just not going to miss!  It was set to happen in Greeley, Colorado and my friends Katie Lockwood and Mark Hartfiel were going to pledge their lives to each other.  I was excited about this wedding.  I had been friends with Katie for about four years and watched her grow in her relationship with the Lord.  I had seen her conquer some hard stuff.  So I bought my plane ticket to Denver and waited excitedly for that big day to come.

However, the day before I was supposed to leave for Colorado, I became very anxious.  I was thinking over the past few months how all of my friends were getting married and I wasn't.  I started to think about how I didn't really know anyone who was going and I was probably going to end up by myself the whole night.  I got myself so worked up and freaked out that I literally made myself sick and was up all night.  I actually missed my flight out the next day and as a result...I missed the wedding.

Obviously, I regretted that my emotions carried me off in that way.  Obviously, I regret not being there on the most important day of her life.  And obviously, she will NEVER let me live it down...ever.  But I like that she can tease me about it and we can laugh.  But truthfully, it is no laughing matter.  Fear, that is.  Fear is the reason I missed that wedding.  

It's absolutely mindblowing how powerful fear is.  We see the things we are afraid of and just start running the other way.  That day when I let fear take over my life, I started running and I kept running for the next nine years.  That was the first wedding I missed because I was afraid to go alone, but it certainly wasn't the last.  

Finally, I realized that the madness had to stop.  One of my very dear friends, Stephanie and her new husband, Chris, got married this past weekend in Corpus Christi.  It was a beautiful ceremony.  I was very nervous leading up to it because I was going without really knowing anyone.  A few of my household sisters were going to be there, but I had only really met them once a long time ago and they were bridesmaids, so again, I was going to face going to this wedding and being alone the whole time.  Additionally, I was nervous about having to face the moment of the bouquet toss.  I was sure I would be the only single girl there and I was dreading it.  But something in me said, "Cowgirl Up!", so off I went to South Texas for the Wedding of the century.  Little did I know that it would change my life.

In his homily the priest emphasized some passages from Ephesians 5 where St. Paul writes, "Wives submit to your husbands." Now if there was ever a word which was NOT used to describe me, it would be the word 'submissive'.  Of course the men have a little chuckle after they hear that piece of scripture.  However, St. Paul goes on to say, "Husbands, love your wives...AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH."  And how did Christ love the church?  Yep.  He laid down his life for her.  That is what a husband is called to do for his wife.  

So I began thinking about this idea of submission.  Being that I am the least submissive person I know, it couldn't hurt to try to be more submissive in my daily life.  But who am I supposed to be submissive to?  God himself.  

I am a very sarcastic person.  Not by nature.  It's a learned behavior.  Lately it has been taking over my life.  What I didn't realize is that it takes over my emotional life also.  I become skeptical of everything, critical of everything, I make fun of everything, and I just flat out do not like the person I become.  So that has got to go.  I've decided to try to approach everyone and everything in my day with kindness and humility in my heart.  I tried this today and found that I even talk to people on elevators now, which is a BIG DEAL!!!!  The way I talk to my coworkers is different.  The way I see my work is different.  And most of all, the way I see myself is different.  Before, I was just as abusive to myself as I was to the people around me.  It was hard to take.  

My mission has been renewed.  I can be that shred of kindness that others see.  I can be the calm in the midst of their storms.  And I have no anxiety at all because Christ has already conquered the world!

I am truly glad that I went to the wedding of the century.  I have one more beautiful example to look up to in this couple, in addition to Katie and Mark.  I got some good words of wisdom from the priest during the homily.  As if that wasn't enough, God went one step further to show his love for me...the bride said NO to the bouquet toss!!!!!  I knew loved that girl!  Congratulations, Chris and Stephanie, you are truly a shining star!

So you're single? Love Anyway.

Originally written on June 26, 2013

I have discovered that the main reason why single people don't like being single is because we know we were created to love and we feel like we have no mission if we are not loving.  As usual, we are limiting the word "love" to agape love and eros love, depending on your perspective.  Conversely, the main reason why single people like being single is because they don't have to love.  Love is sacrifice, it's hard, and for those people, they choose to not be emotionally vulnerable because it's easier, but it will lead them down a path of misery just like the first scenario.  We must love being single because it helps us to love in a very different way and we must dislike being single because often enough it doesn't allow us to sacrifice enough for the good of another person.

Yesterday, I came across an article by the Sexy Celibate on things single people want married people to know.  Similarly, I read another blog post on the Focus blog about the mission of single people in the world.  Both were incredibly good articles and both hit very close to home.

The first article focused mainly on one liners married people use when talking to single people about their singledom.  Always well intentioned, people tend to try to reduce the action of meeting a soulmate down to a formula.  Do this and this and you'll get a match.  My personal favorite is when my married friend asks, "Well, are you dating anyone?"  My extended family learned back when I was a sophomore in college to just stop asking.  If I have news that's important for you to know, I will tell you.  But that inevitable question is usually followed by my inevitable answer, which is "No."  Depending on who I'm talking to and what kind of season I am in, I may elaborate more in the sense of asking for prayers for strength because I may be struggling with my singledom at that point.  Or I may just change the topic because it's not a big deal at that time or I don't trust the person that much.  If I continue the conversation, then I will receive another inevitable question, "Well are you doing this, or that, or this, or that?"  The embedded assumption is that I am not DOING enough to be able to change my single status and that I need to do more.  In other words, it's my own fault that I am single and has nothing to do with God's Divine Plan.

Well, as I was scrolling through facebook tonight, I noticed a meme from a popular christian page.  It was a picture of a beautiful bride with words transposed on it.  The words read: "A woman's heart should be so lost in the heart of God that a man has to go there in search of her."  I have seen this cliche and passed it along so many times!  Tonight I saw it for what it was, thanks to the sexy celibate.  Again, it is well intentioned and I know that it is meant to convey a message that you should seek God first and entrust your life to him.  But we, as humans, turn it into a formula.  It becomes more like this: "Okay, so I have to go get lost in God's heart.  Here we go!!!"  Picture a girl with her eyes squenched shut trying to mentally get lost in God's heart.  That's not quite what we were aiming for.  In addition, what are her intentions.  If I lose myself in God, a man will find me.  That's what it turns into.

So, I pondered this phrase a bit more and I began to wonder, "Where was the man's heart to begin with?  Was he just hanging out outside of God's heart?  He walked past it, looking at it, sizing it up, stroking his chin and thinking deeply, 'Aha!  I bet there is a woman in there!  I shall go find her!'"  So he goes into God's heart to find a woman.  Is that really what happens?  Call me crazy and old fashioned, but I don't think I want to be the reason a man seeks God's heart.  I want to encourage a man on his journey to seeking God's heart, but I want him to seek God's heart because he has the desire to do so, not to find me, but to find God and to discover God.

I decided to ponder this point a little further.  Is getting lost in God's heart my only responsibility?  No!  And the Focus Blog that I was reading, was about the mission of single people.  What if we let God get lost in our hearts?  What if we let him snuggle so deep in there and pervade every corner of space?  What would happen then?  Then, every person we meet, be it a potential suitor, a new friend, the bank teller, our clients, our family, a perfect stranger, would have the opportunity to discover God as they discover us.  How powerful is that?  God wants to make his home in us so that we can bring him to the world.  We just need to get out of the way.

Another thing the first article addressed is how single people cannot love another person in the way a married person can.  This is true.  A lot of times, as a single people I feel as if I have no purpose when it comes to love.  We were created to love.  Bottom line.  However, If you only see one aspect of love (romantic love) and don't see love for everything else that it is i.e.: friendship, charity to a perfect stranger, speaking truth in the midst of lies, suffering with someone, providing encouragement, etc, then of course you will feel you have no purpose and no mission.  You will be barren because you are not loving at all.

Yes, single people are missing out on romantic love and the kind of love that a husband and wife have, the "I'm willing to die for you" kind of love, but look at all of the different ways Christ calls us to love and be present to others.  Give encouragement to the person at the check out counter, pay for the person's coffee behind you in line, strike up a conversation with an elderly person, buy some food and take it to the homeless person on the corner.  We literally have the freedom to move around the world and evangelize in this way!  Single people, this is our mission and this is the New Evangelization!

I will leave you with this quote from our late Holy Father, Pope John Paul the Great, "Do not be afraid. Open wide the doors for Christ. To his saving power...Do not be afraid. Christ knows "what is in man". He alone knows it."

God Bless you and please pray for me!

Links for the blog posts:

http://thesexycelibate.com/2011/12/18/what-single-people-wish-married-people-knew/

http://www.focus.org/blog/posts/singles-dont-let.html

Like

Adversity Calling

Originally written on June 4, 2013

One thing I absolutely KNOW about myself is I don't like being in pain.  Now, when it comes to illness or some ailment of the body, I do pretty well, though I am sure my mother would disagree.  But when it comes to pain due to working out or emotional pain...I would rather run and hide.  Tried that again this week.

For some reason, I have it in my head that exercising will kill me.  I'm serious.  I don't know where this comes from.  In the past, I have rarely pushed myself further in exercise.  My family, friends, and coaches can all attest to the fact that I am a wimp!  Additionally, when things become emotionally painful I tend to run and hide instead of dig deeper and push through it.  If it's about a man...all of a sudden I'm researching convents.  If it's about my job...all of a sudden I'm looking for a new one.  If it's about Houston Traffic...all of a sudden I'm trying to move to Denver (they think they have traffic in Denver, y'all).  The point is I have got to stop running away because it's getting me nowhere.  

So today, I went to spiritual direction and we were discussing some current events in my life.  There are things happening which are very difficult for me emotionally in addition to the fact that I have been making a greater effort to exercise more so I'm physically exhausted as well.  With everything we talked about, the pain and hurt would not go away.  Finally, I asked him, "Why can't it just go away?  It still hurts!"  I told my director about wanting run away and hide and he told me, "No, I think you need to continue on this journey a little bit longer.  You need to feel the pain and push through it.  You've been playing it safe for far too long."  It is such a contrasting point of view from what the world has offered.  I am telling you that I could walk up to any person on the street and ask them advice on my current circumstance and they would all be telling me to get out of that situation.  So why is my spiritual director advising me to stay?

Well, it's sort of a similar concept to that of gulf coast people facing hurricane season.  People who do not deal with hurricanes much often judge those precious gulf coast people saying things like, "Why do they continue to live there when they know their houses will get wiped off the map?"  And the simple answer is...they were there first.  Why should they leave?!  This is their life.  Their families all live there within ten minutes of each other.  They all face this adversity together.  If they respond to the tragedy with hope, they become an even tighter knit very loving family.

In case you haven't noticed, life is painful.  Every minute of it is packed with crazy awesome joy and crazy horrible sorrow.  You can't escape it, it will touch you.  You can waste your time and energy trying to avoid the adversity, but all you will accomplish is making yourself crazy being afraid of absolutely everything that is going on around you.  

God allows difficult moments to happen to shape us and mold us into the saints He envisions us to be.  We each have to choose to make the best out of every situation.  My cousin was caught in a huge plant explosion about 8 or so years ago.  People died, it was a very traumatic event in his life.  He could have grown from that experience or faded away.  He decided to grow and on this past Sunday he celebrated his first year anniversary of being ordained a priest!!

Looking back on all of my adversities in life, there is not one I would trade.  I have been through some hard stuff as I am sure most everyone has.  These events don't define me, but they have shaped me.  I still feel God tugging on my heart telling me to push through this hard stuff because once I do, I will find his goodness on the other side.  So I will give my heart to Him, whatever the cost, whatever the trial, and I will let him refine it in His fire.  I know that His grace will not let me falter.

Altar to an Unknown God

Originally written on June 17, 2013

This past weekend I went on a silent retreat.  This is not something unusual for me.  I used to do this annually, but I would always do something called "spiritual exercises", which meant that I was usually listening to a meditation or sermon on a significant event in the life of Jesus.  This time, I didn't have that.  All I had was silence.  

Honestly, I wasn't nervous going into it.  I was so stressed out from the events of previous weeks that I welcomed it more than anything.  I was happy to get away.  I was happy to turn off my phone, be off of Facebook, and miss whatever social event was occurring at the time.  I needed space.  

However, what I wasn't expecting was an encounter with God.  I know, sounds weird right?  I went on retreat to encounter God, but did not expect to encounter God.  Allow me to explain.  I went on retreat to encounter my perception of God.  I thought I would encounter the God that I know.  Instead, I encountered the God I don't know.  I had never met this God before.  He was messy and chaotic.  He didn't speak to me, but he merely stayed with me.  He didn't have an agenda.  He was not the cookie cutter version of God.  What he taught me was that love looks very different.  And life is not to be tamed.

Being the control freak that I am, it's almost as if I have taken a solemn vow to control absolutely everything I can.  However, after meeting this chaotic and messy God, every scenario I evaluate leaves me with one conclusion: I can't control the outcome.  Why try?  I felt as if he was inviting me on an adventure, beckoning me to follow him through his hurricane force winds.  I hesitated, wondering, where will this lead me?  Where are we going?  What will happen?  As I sat there, staring into a swirling pool of chaos, I had to decide to trust him.  My options were to trust him or to stay where I was, where everything was safe and, as a result, I would continue to shrivel up and die inside.  So I voluntarily walked into a storm with power beyond all imagination.

What I found there was priceless.  In every circumstance, be it joyful or tragic, God is waiting there for me.  In my desperation and loneliness, he is not only there, but he feels the devastation I feel.  That dead feeling I have in my heart because I have completely cut it off from loving others and loving him, he feels that too.  Do not get me wrong.  He isn't there to make me feel better or take the pain away.  He is there to suffer with me.  

I began to recall different circumstances in my life where I had been particularly heartbroken either by a person or a shattered dream.  God showed me that my own lack of love was the source of my continued pain.  What if I loved that person?  What if I loved the person in front of me always...just for who they are.    What if, through my pain, I genuinely loved them with all of their brokenness also?  If I could do that just once, I am sure I would be a saint and I know the choice is my own to make. 

This God, who I didn't know before this weekend, didn't come to ease my suffering.  He didn't come to heal my broken heart.  He came to show me how to love through suffering.  So far this is the greatest gift of my life.  

I will leave you with these tidbits from my journaling:

All this time, I thought I knew you.  I thought I knew your will, your heart, your plan for my life.  I even thought I knew your love for me.  I know nothing.  And how could I know you?  You are infinite and I am finite.  How can I ever fully know you?  You are unknowable and I will spend all of my life and all of eternity trying to scratch the surface of who you are.  

The Lord is not reckless and if He abandons you at all, He abandons you to himself.  While it may look and feel like chaos, it may look and feel like pain, it is still holy.  Stop clinging to God, you who you thought you knew, and start seeing God, who you don't know.  Love all of Him.

As you walk through life with God, you pass through a series of rooms.  These rooms may be filled with various things.  Ones that bring joy, peace, understanding, and others that bring sorrow, fear, and horror. In the midst of all of this, it's important to realize that God is present through it all.  He is always there for us to love him and to receive his love.

What do I do with my life?

Originally written on April 27, 2013

What a loaded question!  I know so many of us struggle with this one.  Last night I got into a discussion with two really solid guys about this very thing.  One friend mentioned that it is the duty of every Catholic person to discern their vocation.  True Story.  I totally agree with him.  In fact, you can distinguish the people who have really given God their hearts in vocational discernment by the peace they have in their lives.  They are living their lives with purpose.  I had mentioned in a previous note that a lot of single people today seem to be drifting from one event to the next.  They are living their lives in relation to the next party, the next service opportunity, the next career promotion, but they aren't asking God, "What do you want me to be?"  They are completely and totally adrift.

I don't sit here claiming to have all the answers or even claiming to have it all together, but what I do know is that the world needs you to discern what God is asking of you.  The reason being that whatever it is, God WILL ask you to change the world.  Maybe you will do that by being a priest or religious, maybe you will do that by being a husband, wife, or parent.  Maybe you will do that by being an honest businessman.  Whatever it is, the goal is to change the world, to make it a better place.  

Discernment requires some level of maturity, however.  You can't just say that you're discerning religious life and then go out and date a bunch of people casually just for fun.  There is a place for dating in the discernment of religious life, but I'm talking about people who do serial dating.  One after another.  Additionally, you can't discern marriage if you are simply keeping your options open all the time flirting with whoever is around like it's some kind of game.  Focus is key.  I once had a friend who told me, "You can't discern something if you're not living it."  How can you know that you like something if you've never tried it.  You have to live it!  If you are discerning being a Franciscan, go visit them and live like them!  If you are discerning marriage, then enter into a committed relationship to do so.  If you are discerning a new career, do your research, make connections, observe from the inside and do it!   There are too many people walking around not deciding to do anything and that is why our culture and specifically our generation is so inconsistent.  We can't make a decision to save our lives.

Why is it so hard for us to decide?  Perhaps it's fear, like always.  We've made decisions in the past.  Those have crashed and burned.  We find ourselves scarred from that experience.  Our fear of failure takes over and paralyzes us.  We are afraid of failure and ultimately, we are afraid of making the wrong decision and being miserable.  Well that's public enemy #1.  If you're basing your happiness on your vocation or your success in your career, you're setting yourself up for failure.  

Our happiness is found in God alone.  He alone can convince me that my life is worth it, that I have a purpose on this earth.  He fills my heart.  No vocation or career can do that.  Only Him.  When that core belief becomes your foundation, all fear subsides.  Because God is the only one whose opinion actually matters and as long as you are doing what He asked you to do, the result doesn't matter.  In the end, loving obedience is what makes you holy.

Discernment is not an action of deciding something independent of God's grace and His input.  It's about a relationship.  It's about who you want to be as a person.  It's about that desire being in line with God's 
dream for your life.  It's about finding out who you really are and the incredible gifts that God has given you to use for His glory.  It is His dream for you.  So go live the dream!

Fort Knox

Originally written on May 18, 2013

I read an article the other day and posted it twice because I thought it was so right on.  It was on guarding your heart.  I remember this being a big theme in college.  I attended Franciscan University in Steubenville, Ohio and the dating scene was super weird...I won't lie.  A girl could not look at a guy without him thinking she wanted to marry him and him either freaking out and running away as a result, or him relentlessly pursuing her for marriage, when, in reality, she was just trying to figure out if that was food on his face or a birthmark.  Oops.  

I credit this phenomena to the fact that there was such a strong emphasis on figuring out your vocation in life and going after it.  But somehow, we, the students, got it wrong.  And mind you, this is merely my experience of the culture of dating at this particular school.  Is it important to discern your vocation to religious life, marriage, or singledom?  Yes!  It is very important!  Why?  Because if you are not following God's plan for your life, you're going to end up hurting more people than you would have originally by just being a sinner.  Allow me to illustrate.  Boy feels called to religious life.  Boy ignores said call.  Boy meets girl.  Boy and girl start to date.  Six months later boy breaks up with girl because boy still feels called to religious life.  Boy goes to explore religious life as a possible vocation.  I saw this happen so many times.  While there is a place for dating in discernment, almost all of the cases I witnessed were completely and totally uncalled for.  The heartache could have and should have been prevented by one party altogether by being obedient to their conscience in the first place.  

So, what is the result?  The result is this really weird concept of not loving anyone until you meet the person you will marry.  And the result of that is people run around hurriedly trying to find said person.  Why?  Because we were made to love and have this innate desire to love.  When we aren't loving others we are empty and our lives lack meaning.  But because we are so afraid to get hurt again, we "guard our hearts" to avoid the heartbreak.  Then we develop this messed up idea that when we find "the one", we can breathe a sigh of relief as if we will never be hurt again.  It's just not true.

Working in a hospital and dealing very often with death, I literally have front row seats to watching people's hearts break.  Couples who have been married for 60+ years are holding hands awaiting their impending separation by death.  They tell me that they have learned to love this person so deeply over the years despite the fact that their spouse made them so crazy mad sometimes.  The biggest regret?  They wish they would have loved them more.  They wish they would have shown it more. They wish they would have forgiven earlier.  They never wish they would have guarded their hearts more to avoid this pain.  

I used to think that every time I loved a man, it would take away from the love I would eventually have for my spouse.  I thought I was giving a piece of my heart away and I wanted to save the whole thing for that one man.  Now I realize that God calls us to love everyone in front of us in every moment in the context of His great love for us.  But what if that means I will have my heart broken?  Our hearts will break.  One way or another.  There is no avoiding it, unless you build your heart up to be like Fort Knox.  

How many souls still treat Jesus with complete disregard, including ourselves, and yet he continues to carry his cross to Calvary and die.  This man made himself completely and totally vulnerable to the riffraff who would take advantage of him and who would even care very little for him.  He still died for every last one of us despite our indifference.  And his heart wasn't indifferent at all.  He was completely heartbroken.  Destroyed.

I think often we forget that love is a gift.  "We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19.  We are constantly looking for people who deserve our love.  I don't want you to love me because you feel like I deserve your love or have earned it.  If that's the case, then most assuredly, I can also lose it.  Love is a gift to be given freely to the Beloved regardless of whether or not love is returned.  I did read something somewhere once that we are to love always without expecting that love to be returned.  That is what it means to love like Jesus does.  Who are we to deprive others of the gift of love?

I think I'm the first person who needs to work on loving better.  I often try to decide who is worthy of my love and act accordingly.  The other day I was talking to my mom about different situations in which I felt people were taking advantage of me and how I was just going to cut off their friendship.  She responded, "You sure do put a lot of conditions on your unconditional love."  Oh snap!  That's not to say that one should allow themselves to be taken advantage of, but I can't control the behavior of others.  All I can do is make my heart right before God and choose to love others despite their behavior.  Isn't that really what we are called to do?  

Give it a try!  Open your heart with reckless abandon!  Love the people you usually hate.  Throw away your expectations.  You will be amazed at how quickly your heart will change!

What's wrong with me?!!!

Originally written on April 14, 2013

I have no idea where all of this writing is coming from to be honest with you.  I'm amazed people even read what I have to say.  This past week has been the most difficult and sincerely, the most amazing week of my life.  

I recently went to spiritual direction, very distraught and upset about some things that were going on.  I was having difficulties in friendships.  I went in there, told him all about it, and when I was finished Father said, "I'm confused.  Is this about you or is it about your friend?"  I started laughing through my own tears.  I had literally made it ALL about me.  Yeah, that sounds about right.  Here I was in the situation I was in, a friend of mine had basically fell off the face of the planet for no reason (so it seemed to me) and I was really sad about it.  But guess what, being the girly girl I am, I made it all about me!  My first reaction to this situation was, "What did I do?"  My second reaction was, "What's wrong with me?!!!"  As time went on, my reactions became more and more generic until I was convinced there was something seriously wrong with me.  

In all actuality, there was.  I was being so self centered that I didn't even stop to think, "Hmm...maybe my friend is going through something really hard right now.  Maybe my friend just needs my prayers."  Nope, there was none of that.  Wanna know why?  Because I can't control that.  I wanted there to be something I did or something that was wrong with me simply because it's easier to control.  Theoretically, I can fix those things because they are about me.  What I can't do is fix somebody else and, let's be honest, that is so frustrating and very scary.

Now, in an ideal situation, people would actually communicate with each other about these things.  "I'm putting our friendship on hold because..."  That's in an ideal world, but since we operate in reality over here, I feel it is incredibly important for us women to realize that there is nothing wrong with us.  More than likely, we didn't do anything.  Someone made a choice.  Once we accept this, we can move on knowing that we do deserve to be loved.  We can even still love that person despite the decisions they made, which, by the way, probably have nothing to do with us. 

After discovering this, I decided I needed to make peace with certain people in my life.  One of whom is a person I dated about a year ago.  He had reached out to me a few months back and I didn't respond due to things that were going on in my life (see, we do it to each other).  So I sent him an email apologizing for not getting back to him and wishing him well.  When he responded, I was so surprised to read that when he called off our relationship, his did it because he needed to deal with some things in his own heart that were completely independent of me.  And this whole time, I thought I had screwed up!  

You can't blame people for holding back that information.  It's just downright embarrassing!  I'm probably the only person I know who will say what is actually going on in my heart and reveal that to the world without caring.  I was also talking to a friend of mine yesterday who was just desperately wanting to know Why???  Again, if you sucked would you announce it to the world?  Probably not, the least of all, someone you really care about.

So what is the remedy here?  Stop making it all about you!  Go ahead and make it about them and pray for them.  If the situation you are dealing with is a guy situation and you're taking your cues from the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You"  STOP!!!!  Though it is an entertaining movie and there is some truth to it, the reality is, it shows too little.  

The Good Lord created each and every one of us.  He created us to be unique and He created us to be worthy of love.  All of my friends and family are worthy of love and no matter what they do that hurts me, I will still love them.  If they keep me at an arm's length, I will love them from that spot.  I know that nothing I can do by way of communicating or changing myself will change my circumstances, but if I LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY, meaning with no regard of whether or not I will be loved back, it will change my heart and draw me closer to the God who loved me first.  

Trusting in God's Will...and His timing...

Originally written on April 20, 2013

I had a conversation with someone today about the world and marriage.  It's an odd combo, but I think that it's important to take a look at what is going on here.  The person I was talking to informed me that after generically expressing to a friend her desire to get married, the friend informed her, "I don't think you are quite ready yet."  Wow!  That's a throwback!  I bet that guy was totally prepared for walking down the aisle!  Rightfully so, she was very upset.  Not only was it totally inappropriate given that this person, to whom I am very close, is one of the most mature, amazing, and loving people I know.  But her friend who told her this actually knows very little about her.  

Now, being that I am not married nor have I ever been, I might be wrong when I say that I don't think it has anything to do with "being ready".  At least if it does it has nothing to do with any human being's (currently existing on earth) definition of what "being ready" means.  I have seen plenty of people who I thought were not "ready" for marriage actually get married.  They are doing just fine.  There is no formula for it.  So forgive me when I say that it's a bit judgmental to say that one is not "ready" for marriage.  It's all up to God's will and His timing to bring that person into your life.  And here's the bottom line:  You have to trust Him! 

In the world, I feel people are uncomfortable with my own singleness.  It's like they are bothered by the fact that I'm single.  I can't figure out why it bothers them.  Could it be that it's kind of a scary prospect to know that one can desire something like marriage and family, but never see that dream come to fruition?  What does that mean for them?  Does it mean that there can be something in their hearts, which they desire intensely, but they may not ever see the fulfillment of that desire?  Yes...it does.  Because, honestly, the point is not being married, being single, or fulfilling our dreams.  The point is trusting in God through the good and the bad.  

The grass is definitely not greener on the other side either.  I'm so grateful for the married friends in my life.  They help keep me grounded in my search for my future spouse.  It's futile to look for a fairy tale.  There are going to be trials and difficult things to deal with along the way.  Whether we are single or married, we all have our struggles and no one struggle is greater than another.  God calls us all to trust him with our entire lives.  

I would like to say, "I've got this down".  The reality is...I don't.  It is a daily battle, just as it is for the rest of humanity.  Trusting God with my life means that ANYTHING goes.  ANYTHING could happen.  Obviously, I can't control that.  No, I would much rather fence God in and tell Him, "You can work here, but don't go outside these boundaries."  The sad part is, he listens to us.  He will always respect our boundaries and decisions.  He is a good, merciful, and loving being, he would never cross the line.  

So, today I challenge you to consider whether or not you are fencing God in.  Honestly, what is the worst that could happen if you gave him free reign over your life?  We have a God who loves us beyond all human comprehension and who wants to give us the desires of our hearts.  I'm not promising that all of your dreams will come true or your plans won't fail.  But I am promising you that a God who is bigger than your dreams and plans with dreams and plans of His own for your life will never disappoint you.

Lord Jesus I trust in you!