Originally written on June 24, 2013
When I graduated from college, so many of my friends were getting married. I had a lot of wedding invitations being delivered to my house. Obviously I could not go to all of them. All but one were definitely a plane ride away. However, there was one wedding that I was just not going to miss! It was set to happen in Greeley, Colorado and my friends Katie Lockwood and Mark Hartfiel were going to pledge their lives to each other. I was excited about this wedding. I had been friends with Katie for about four years and watched her grow in her relationship with the Lord. I had seen her conquer some hard stuff. So I bought my plane ticket to Denver and waited excitedly for that big day to come.
However, the day before I was supposed to leave for Colorado, I became very anxious. I was thinking over the past few months how all of my friends were getting married and I wasn't. I started to think about how I didn't really know anyone who was going and I was probably going to end up by myself the whole night. I got myself so worked up and freaked out that I literally made myself sick and was up all night. I actually missed my flight out the next day and as a result...I missed the wedding.
Obviously, I regretted that my emotions carried me off in that way. Obviously, I regret not being there on the most important day of her life. And obviously, she will NEVER let me live it down...ever. But I like that she can tease me about it and we can laugh. But truthfully, it is no laughing matter. Fear, that is. Fear is the reason I missed that wedding.
It's absolutely mindblowing how powerful fear is. We see the things we are afraid of and just start running the other way. That day when I let fear take over my life, I started running and I kept running for the next nine years. That was the first wedding I missed because I was afraid to go alone, but it certainly wasn't the last.
Finally, I realized that the madness had to stop. One of my very dear friends, Stephanie and her new husband, Chris, got married this past weekend in Corpus Christi. It was a beautiful ceremony. I was very nervous leading up to it because I was going without really knowing anyone. A few of my household sisters were going to be there, but I had only really met them once a long time ago and they were bridesmaids, so again, I was going to face going to this wedding and being alone the whole time. Additionally, I was nervous about having to face the moment of the bouquet toss. I was sure I would be the only single girl there and I was dreading it. But something in me said, "Cowgirl Up!", so off I went to South Texas for the Wedding of the century. Little did I know that it would change my life.
In his homily the priest emphasized some passages from Ephesians 5 where St. Paul writes, "Wives submit to your husbands." Now if there was ever a word which was NOT used to describe me, it would be the word 'submissive'. Of course the men have a little chuckle after they hear that piece of scripture. However, St. Paul goes on to say, "Husbands, love your wives...AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH." And how did Christ love the church? Yep. He laid down his life for her. That is what a husband is called to do for his wife.
So I began thinking about this idea of submission. Being that I am the least submissive person I know, it couldn't hurt to try to be more submissive in my daily life. But who am I supposed to be submissive to? God himself.
I am a very sarcastic person. Not by nature. It's a learned behavior. Lately it has been taking over my life. What I didn't realize is that it takes over my emotional life also. I become skeptical of everything, critical of everything, I make fun of everything, and I just flat out do not like the person I become. So that has got to go. I've decided to try to approach everyone and everything in my day with kindness and humility in my heart. I tried this today and found that I even talk to people on elevators now, which is a BIG DEAL!!!! The way I talk to my coworkers is different. The way I see my work is different. And most of all, the way I see myself is different. Before, I was just as abusive to myself as I was to the people around me. It was hard to take.
My mission has been renewed. I can be that shred of kindness that others see. I can be the calm in the midst of their storms. And I have no anxiety at all because Christ has already conquered the world!
I am truly glad that I went to the wedding of the century. I have one more beautiful example to look up to in this couple, in addition to Katie and Mark. I got some good words of wisdom from the priest during the homily. As if that wasn't enough, God went one step further to show his love for me...the bride said NO to the bouquet toss!!!!! I knew loved that girl! Congratulations, Chris and Stephanie, you are truly a shining star!
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