Being Brave

Originally written on August 13, 2013

Where do I even start? First of all, I would like it to be known that I am reading a book called "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown and it’s totally kicking my butt. With that being said, if you know who she is or what she is about, you now understand my frustration. She is a social worker, researcher, and professor at U of H in the School of Social Work and today in three short chapters, she has ruined my life. Her life’s work is to study vulnerability and wholeheartedness. The book I’m reading is all about vulnerability and it may as well be called "Allie sucks greatly".


In reading this book, so far, I have come to realize that I am a big scaredy cat and I have a lot of growing up to do. It’s kinda a love/hate thing, actually, because I love the fact that I have this insight, but I hate the fact that I’m seeing myself fail all the time. As I was reading this book today, I was reflecting on the many ways I run from being vulnerable. I try to act like I’m fine, when I’m really hurt. I try to control my work environment. I keep my emotional distance from really sad situations. Sometimes I’m sure I come off as being super stoic. But most of all, I avoid relationships…of any kind. I will use sarcasm as a buffer between me and someone else. Forget about saying hi to me in an elevator, on the rail, or in the garage because I will just look at the floor, making it clear that you are uninvited into my heart, into my life, and into my soul. But the thing is, I don’t want to be this person. I want to be welcoming. I want everyone around me to know that they have a home in my heart; that I am safe and will always be there to care for them. Brene calls it “showing up”. 


So I have to share something that happened to me a few weeks ago. I’ll preface it by saying I HATE going out somewhere and running into people I know. I am never prepared for that situation and I have been known to not go places because I am afraid of that very scenario. However, there was one particular night when my friends convinced me to go to this very pretentious bar and I reluctantly agreed. At some point in the evening, I recognized a gentleman in the bar as a colleague from work. Being that this was exactly the situation I wanted to avoid at all costs, I told my friends I would have to leave and I told them why. Naturally, after I did this, one of my friends decided to wave the guy down. There I stood mortified when he waved back after recognizing me. 


Why this situation bothers me so much, I will never understand. I guess it’s because it forces me into a situation in which I have to reveal a different side of me to this person than I am accustomed to revealing. It’s a fear I need to get over. In reading Brene’s book, I have recognized that running away from this situation will not make it better and will not make it go away. In fact, I did leave about five minutes after this encounter. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Everything was totally appropriate. I just couldn’t take the pressure of facing a potentially awkward situation of talking to that guy and then seeing him at work on Monday. I left and consoled myself by thinking that I probably wouldn’t see him at all. Wrong. Not only do I see him, but I see him daily now because his assignment changed…for three months. And he has often tried to get my attention. If that’s not the gift that keeps on giving, then I don’t know what is. 


So for three weeks now, I’ve been avoiding the awkward situation. I look at the floor alot. I have been doing pretty much anything to avoid facing him. Today, after seeing him numerous times, I decided I had enough. I needed to stop running. So as I passed by his spot in the unit, he looked up at me, smiled, and said hi. I didn’t look at the floor. I just reciprocated very appropriately and went on my merry way. And I didn’t die. 


I have realized that being vulnerable is not about gaining something from the situation, but it’s about being who you are and affirming another person as a human being. For me, this behavior of avoidance is rooted in the idea that I don’t want myself to be seen. I want to be invisible because quite frankly, I don’t think I’m that big of a deal. I don’t think I’m that worth looking at. I don’t think I’m that worth knowing. I automatically assume that people would not care to have anything to do with me when the reality is that people are always looking for a connection and I have a lot to offer them in many different capacities. 


If I could just open up my heart and let people see me for who I am, I might even start to see myself differently. I might start living my life differently. I might realize that who I am can have an even greater impact on the people around the community, the world, and me. But most importantly, I might find that my presence does matter to these precious people and that their knowing me could bring about the change they are seeking in their own lives. When we are brave, we call others on to be brave and we show them that we are for real. When we run away from being vulnerable we miss out on knowing others for who they really are, but worst of all, we miss out on knowing ourselves and all the amazing things we are capable of. Be brave. It’s worth it.