What's wrong with me?!!!

Originally written on April 14, 2013

I have no idea where all of this writing is coming from to be honest with you.  I'm amazed people even read what I have to say.  This past week has been the most difficult and sincerely, the most amazing week of my life.  

I recently went to spiritual direction, very distraught and upset about some things that were going on.  I was having difficulties in friendships.  I went in there, told him all about it, and when I was finished Father said, "I'm confused.  Is this about you or is it about your friend?"  I started laughing through my own tears.  I had literally made it ALL about me.  Yeah, that sounds about right.  Here I was in the situation I was in, a friend of mine had basically fell off the face of the planet for no reason (so it seemed to me) and I was really sad about it.  But guess what, being the girly girl I am, I made it all about me!  My first reaction to this situation was, "What did I do?"  My second reaction was, "What's wrong with me?!!!"  As time went on, my reactions became more and more generic until I was convinced there was something seriously wrong with me.  

In all actuality, there was.  I was being so self centered that I didn't even stop to think, "Hmm...maybe my friend is going through something really hard right now.  Maybe my friend just needs my prayers."  Nope, there was none of that.  Wanna know why?  Because I can't control that.  I wanted there to be something I did or something that was wrong with me simply because it's easier to control.  Theoretically, I can fix those things because they are about me.  What I can't do is fix somebody else and, let's be honest, that is so frustrating and very scary.

Now, in an ideal situation, people would actually communicate with each other about these things.  "I'm putting our friendship on hold because..."  That's in an ideal world, but since we operate in reality over here, I feel it is incredibly important for us women to realize that there is nothing wrong with us.  More than likely, we didn't do anything.  Someone made a choice.  Once we accept this, we can move on knowing that we do deserve to be loved.  We can even still love that person despite the decisions they made, which, by the way, probably have nothing to do with us. 

After discovering this, I decided I needed to make peace with certain people in my life.  One of whom is a person I dated about a year ago.  He had reached out to me a few months back and I didn't respond due to things that were going on in my life (see, we do it to each other).  So I sent him an email apologizing for not getting back to him and wishing him well.  When he responded, I was so surprised to read that when he called off our relationship, his did it because he needed to deal with some things in his own heart that were completely independent of me.  And this whole time, I thought I had screwed up!  

You can't blame people for holding back that information.  It's just downright embarrassing!  I'm probably the only person I know who will say what is actually going on in my heart and reveal that to the world without caring.  I was also talking to a friend of mine yesterday who was just desperately wanting to know Why???  Again, if you sucked would you announce it to the world?  Probably not, the least of all, someone you really care about.

So what is the remedy here?  Stop making it all about you!  Go ahead and make it about them and pray for them.  If the situation you are dealing with is a guy situation and you're taking your cues from the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You"  STOP!!!!  Though it is an entertaining movie and there is some truth to it, the reality is, it shows too little.  

The Good Lord created each and every one of us.  He created us to be unique and He created us to be worthy of love.  All of my friends and family are worthy of love and no matter what they do that hurts me, I will still love them.  If they keep me at an arm's length, I will love them from that spot.  I know that nothing I can do by way of communicating or changing myself will change my circumstances, but if I LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY, meaning with no regard of whether or not I will be loved back, it will change my heart and draw me closer to the God who loved me first.